look at that fucker DANCE..

i am a youtube superstarrrrr

2007-04-28T20:36:44Z

everybody watch this!!!! it's the new hot single from my band, Malebox. i think it will make you happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ1SIbE-9Us

bleedingmustard @ 2005-12-14T00:31:00

2005-12-14T06:08:57Z

so, there was this girl at work who absolutely hated me (most likely because i didn't kiss her ass constantly like the other employees do), and supposedly once said "kevin should just quit, because i will do anything, even lie, to get him fired." last week, she made a customer a burrito, and instead of ringing him up, she just put his money in the tip jar. a fellow employee told her that he was going to report her to the owner, and normally she would have just gotten a slap on the wrist, but she made the slight mistake of telling the guy that she would have her commonlaw husband (who would immediately get deported should he ever get in trouble with the law) MURDER him if he told on her. but he did anyway. and she got fired. and it makes me remarkably more happy with my job. and now we will see if anyone winds up dead.

bloodshot eyes and separated thighs..

2005-12-10T06:12:06Z

last week, one of my aunts asked me for my new address. today, a package came for me in the mail. when i opened it, i quickly realized that i had been sent half of a nativity scene. i had no idea to do with such religious icons, so i put them in the liquor cabinet. and now mary, joseph, and the baby jesus are guarding and watching over the triple sec, creme de menth, and the captain morgans, respectively.

jess fee made me miss livejournal.

2005-12-08T06:28:46Z

maybe it's time for a comeback. but most likely i will revisit livejournal with the same amount of effort i put into everything lately, and just not update for another 44 weeks. i'm distracted all the time. people tell me that when i talk to them, i am always looking around at other things, like i'm expecting something better to happen at any second. i work around 65 hours a week now, but it's probably not to blame for my restlesness. most of the time i think i am content to just drift through my life. but i'm almost tired of wasting my potential. i wish i had the determination and strive to match my ability. wouldn't that be nice. i wish i had my heart back. and it's not even an issue of "woe is me, past loves, heartache, iusedtobeonmedsbecauseofafuckinggirrrrl, crap crap crap"...it's more like i just outgrew its usefulness. i just don't have the heart for anything anymore. yet i'm still happier than at almost any other point in my life. this last summer being the pinnacle. it was probably because of the 50 pounds i lost. and the fake arrogance it inspired. maybe it was the road trip to washington state that for the second time in my life made me believe in fate. either way, joy is turning into contentment. i just hope contentment doesn't turn into blehhhh. i'm watching Daredevil at 1:17 in the morning. and livejournal makes me remember a whole cast of odd characters from my past. i should write a fucking book. everyone at work tells me so. even the old lady who brings me cut up pears every day. i got a good 1% of what i was trying to say into this entry. good enough, i say.

practice random acts of blindness

2005-01-30T17:46:51Z

sometimes i just listen to the same song on repeat, over and over and over, for hours.

i wish things could be back to normal

2005-01-25T15:18:33Z

i turn pretty immature when i feel threatened.

like the man with the collection plate about to sin, baby you took more than you put in.

2005-01-25T05:51:31Z

i talked to my agent today, and by the end of the week he is going to write something up about me and start advertising me to colleges, clubs, and a couple different talent agencies. he seems fairly confident that he can get me shows. and i don't come cheap, either. he's going to tell people that i am $250 for 20 minutes, $500 for 45 minutes. doing one show a month would be way more than i need to pay my bills. and i'll finally have money in the bank. and i won't have to worry about paying rent

bleedingmustard @ 2005-01-23T17:00:00

2005-01-23T22:12:45Z

my my, how easy it is for you all to judge me.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-11-01T21:32:00

2004-11-02T02:37:32Z

ew. just. fucking. gross.

please, bury me with it

2004-11-01T06:05:02Z

overall, a good weekend. desiree and julie were here, and i am glad that i can talk to them about shit that's going on. especially the shit that just unfolded on friday. it's funny...i am soooo fucking incredibly mad about what happened. but at the same time, i find it hard to hold a grudge. even though i could KILL. but yeah. desiree brought the blanket she made for me, so that was cheery and fantastic. and we went to the cushing st. party, and i drank a lot of rum, and danced, and met rad new people. and it was spectacular having julie and desiree around. even colleen hung out with us! and my costume: a definite success. many compliments. even though i had my pants off a lot of the time.

p.s.
i have been called intimidating because of my funnyness a lot lately.
i have been called a "god" onstage by three different girls. who don't even know each other.
over the summer, a girl told people that she dated me, when we did not.
once, a girl told me that i was her personal idol.
on thursday, a girl i do not know said that i was amazing, and that she "wanted to BE me." exact quote.
sometimes when i walk downtown, random people stop me and quote things that i said onstage.
once, an old lady told me that i made her laugh so hard that her cheeks hurt.

the life of a comedian is amusing.

p.s.s. tomorrow will be an interesting day, you creep. i can't fucking wait to see how you justify the shit you did.

miss you, miss you, now i've gotta kiss you

2004-10-10T18:18:55Z

Lee and i went to the Sandwich fair yesterday, and it was fun, but all the tied up animals made me sad. then we went to a place that had penny candy, and then we stole things from Walmart, including the new Cake cd. it was a rad time, as always.

i'm not really sure what i want to do after i graduate. i could stick around here for another 6 months, but part of me wants to move. i could move to providence and hang out with desiree and julie and colleen. i've even thought about moving back home for a month or so to hang out with old friends. i'd still love to do a stand-up tour, but i don't imagine i'll get too many shows right away. i might have another show on thursday though. i hope so, anyway.

time to watch Aladdin!

bleedingmustard @ 2004-09-02T19:06:00

2004-09-02T23:12:49Z

so i did some more stand-up on sunday night. i opened for some comedian named elvira kurt. she has a special on comedy central. heard of her? anyway, the room was packed...about 600 people, and i opened with about 10-15 minutes of stuff that i wrote, and the audience laughed a lot. and when i said my time was up, they starting booing. and a bunch of random people told me afterwards that i was funny, and some people have even said that i was funnier than she was. a bunch of people told me that when i opened for colin quinn too, so i guess i'm off to a good start. i even have an agent now, apparently. at least, he's someone with tons of connections who assured me that he can get me paying shows (like...hundreds of dollars a show) at different colleges and the like. getting paid to make people laugh would be awesome. so i think that's what i'm going to do after i graduate. i'll do stand-up for a year, and then i'll still probably move to japan.

bored

2004-07-23T18:59:05Z

bleedingmustard @ 2004-06-01T18:04:00

2004-06-01T22:22:37Z

ummm...let's see...

went to the Andrew WK/Locust/No Motiv show last weekend, and it was fun. The Locust is incredible live.

Mandie's 21st birthday party was the next day, and i got incredibly drunk. but i saw a lot of kids, and hanging out with Jessie was fun.

was sick for most of the week, so i didn't leave my house for like....5 days? fantastic!

this last saturday, i went to Maine with Mike, Brian, and Jeremiah for a TheatreSports show. Tyler and John went too. our audience was about 40 senior citizens. and they loved us! some little old lady came up to me afterwards and told me i made her laugh so hard her cheeks hurt. then we went to the arcade and i beat X-men again.

sunday was river rave. saw the distillers, my morning jacket, the living end, the darkness, finger eleven, and the offspring. it was fun, but kinda sad, because the distillers, my morning jacket, and the living end didn't play any of my favorite songs. all 3 bands ignored the songs i love. oh well. and we ran into this girl who happened to be a waitress at the place where we did the TheatreSports show the day before. she said that i was amazing, and that i was her idol. then she asked if she could shake my hand. then all her friends wanted to shake my hand. haha. what can i say...i'm an idol to 15 year old girls.

saw Hart todayyy. nerdbag!

bleedingmustard @ 2004-05-16T14:30:00

2004-05-16T18:37:10Z

wow, i haven't updated in an entire WEEK. i've been busy though. finals are finally done, as well as all papers and projects and group assignments. i only have one semester left. it's kinda scary.

i bought a new computer on friday. it's sooo much better that my old computer, and it was only $300. plus it has office on it, so i finally have Word, and i won't have to spend so much time in the damn computer clusters.

went swimming yesterday with bee, mike, and a few other people who weren't really swimming. the water was cold, but it was fun.

Magic: the Gathering tournaments need to happen soon.

turn your sad happies into little sads

2004-05-03T17:09:21Z

Last night i almost died in my sleep. i guess i must have hit the cord on my lamp, and it fell over onto my bed. the lampshade snapped back, shattering the light bulb, sending fragments all over me, which luckily woke me up. then sparks started shooting out of the broken bulb, and all the sparks were landing on my sheets. this was all happening right in front of my face. after all the sparks stopped flying, this really gross smoke started pouring out of the socket. it was traumatizing. but i cleaned up the mess and went back to sleep. dying on your birthday would suck. unless you were 100.

my mom sent me a birthday card with $70 in it, and i had accidentally thrown it in the trashcan without opening it. luckily i found it before trash day.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-29T01:48:00

2004-04-29T05:49:28Z

my birfffday is almost here! as some of you know, my birthday last year caused the Old Man of the Mountain to fall down. who knows what cultural travesty it will bring this year!

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-25T22:07:00

2004-04-26T02:10:41Z

got tickets for the Best Music Poll show in Boston. 17 bands playing. the ones i'm really excited about: the explosion, the lot six, midtown, elefant, the rapture, presidents of the usa, and of course, the violent femmes. should be fun.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-25T12:46:00

2004-04-25T16:44:26Z

my hunger strike was aborted after 61 hours. i have very little willpower.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-24T12:28:00

2004-04-24T16:24:44Z

i never want to dream again

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-23T23:35:00

2004-04-24T03:44:16Z

Colin Quinn, formerly Saturday Night Live's week-end update anchor, host of "Tough Crowd", called me a psycho tonight. I opened up for him, and he told me I have a lot of natural talent, but that I came across as a psycho on stage. what!?

also, a woman asked me for an autograph.

and i'm still a jerk.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-23T03:05:00

2004-04-23T07:06:21Z

i'm going on a hunger strike.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-23T02:16:00

2004-04-23T06:17:12Z

want me to die? i'll die.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-19T13:25:00

2004-04-19T20:44:56Z

i don't really remember how it started, but hart and i started playing bloody knuckles the other day, and now we play every day. she always wins though, because she has rings that cut my fingers. it is very much fun, but now my knuckles are all torn up. haha. it's awesome!

p.s. friday was fuckin' lame. out of all the people i know that are 21, only 5 came. it was very disheartening, to say the least, since so many people said they would go. it put me in a bad mood even before i lost. thanks to the 5 who went, though. i appreciate it.

bleedingmustard @ 2004-04-18T12:57:00

2004-04-18T16:58:22Z

I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. ask me anything you want. i'll give a completely honest answer to any question. then i want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.