maybe it's time for a comeback. but most likely i will revisit livejournal with the same amount of effort i put into everything lately, and just not update for another 44 weeks. i'm distracted all the time. people tell me that when i talk to them, i am always looking around at other things, like i'm expecting something better to happen at any second. i work around 65 hours a week now, but it's probably not to blame for my restlesness. most of the time i think i am content to just drift through my life. but i'm almost tired of wasting my potential. i wish i had the determination and strive to match my ability. wouldn't that be nice. i wish i had my heart back. and it's not even an issue of "woe is me, past loves, heartache, iusedtobeonmedsbecauseofafuckinggirrrrl, crap crap crap"...it's more like i just outgrew its usefulness. i just don't have the heart for anything anymore. yet i'm still happier than at almost any other point in my life. this last summer being the pinnacle. it was probably because of the 50 pounds i lost. and the fake arrogance it inspired. maybe it was the road trip to washington state that for the second time in my life made me believe in fate. either way, joy is turning into contentment. i just hope contentment doesn't turn into blehhhh. i'm watching Daredevil at 1:17 in the morning. and livejournal makes me remember a whole cast of odd characters from my past. i should write a fucking book. everyone at work tells me so. even the old lady who brings me cut up pears every day. i got a good 1% of what i was trying to say into this entry. good enough, i say.